Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Love Triangle

I'm finding that I've been put in a very difficult situation that only I am to blame;
A Love Triangle
I have a pretty tainted past that I don't particularly want to delve into but, it all comes down to Carlos. Carlos and I had something special from the first time we ever met. I'm not proud of the way we met and so I'm not going to share that information in this post but we connected immediately. We got involved in a relationship that was cut short when he was called to war. His saying good bye to me was one of the hardest things I ever experienced. I was forced to put him out of my mind and move on with life. I tried so hard to get over him but everything I saw reminded me of him in some way. I went to sleep dreaming of him and I woke every morning with him still on my mind. I couldn't escape my memory of him no matter how hard I tried. Two years, exactly, went by when I saw him one day sitting at a booth in the mall. I remember I was at the pretzel maker waiting for my breezer when I looked up and saw him in the distance. He was just sitting there looking off into the distance and looking just as beautiful as I remembered. If I had been holding something fragile it would have shattered on the ground. Seeing him again literally made my heart stop beating and I felt like the world had stopped spinning. I never imagined that Carlos and I would ever see each other again. I quickly walked past him hoping that he wouldn't see me. After I'd walked several feet I had to take a peak. I turned around and saw him looking right at me. I panicked and quickly got the heck away before anything else could happen. When I got back to work I fell apart and started sobbing into my co-workers shoulder. He had to hold me close because I was shaking uncontrollably. I felt like I had seen a ghost that day and I didn't know what I was going to do. For almost a week I avoided going into the mall for food or drink. My nerves were all shook up from seeing him again and I eventually got severe stomach ulcers that kept me from being able to eat anything. When I couldn't take it anymore I finally decided to go out and talk to him. I figured that it would ease my mind to at least talk to him and maybe get the proper closure that I should have been given 2 years prior. I couldn't have asked for a better meeting. His back was to me as I was approaching the booth and he turned around at the perfect moment. His face lit up and he came running up and grabbed me in his arms. Tears were shed from both of us as we walked through the mall and caught up. I wanted nothing more than to grab his face and feel his lips on mine again. But I was a married woman and I forced myself to keep my distance. He gave me his phone number and told me that he hoped we could be friends but that he was leaving it up to me. I went back to work not knowing what I was going to do. I had strong feelings for this man in the past and it was evident by my reaction when I saw him again that those feelings were still there and as strong as ever. I wanted him in my life again but it was no easy task...I was married. The outcome- I ended up divorcing my husband of 4 years and hurting someone very dear to me so I could be with Carlos. It was the hardest decision of my life but it was the choice that I made. Whether it was the right or wrong thing to do...I did it and I needed to take that chance. Carlos and I didn't have the best relationship but there was a love there that I had never felt before. After a year long relationship, Carlos and I broke up due to a series of unfortunate events. He broke my heart yet again but this time we decided to stay in touch. I had to force myself to move on, again. It was hard for a few weeks but then I came in touch with someone else from my past, Brandon (previously referred to as John Doe), my first love.
*Refer to "Coincidence" from my February posts to get the story on Brandon*
For months I've been talking to both Carlos and Brandon. Both men have feelings for me and I have feelings for both men in return. One man lives in Utah, the other in Georgia and I'm in Texas!!! Well this just sucks doesn't it? Neither one has the ability to come here and "court" me. Both men have complications in their personal lives that are keeping them from being able to have a serious relationship with me. I'm torn because I can't have them both but neither one can have me either at this point in time. I'm lonely and I'm getting tired of just talking about our feelings. I want some action but the future is completely unknown. I have no idea what the outcome is going to be. I don't even know if I'll ever have the chance to be with either of these men again. And if I am given that chance...who will I choose?
I don't even have the answer. Both men are completely different and I love them for different reasons. Both men are capable of making me happy and I think I'll end up choosing whoever makes the first move. So why are they just sitting on their lazy butts not doing anything to win my heart? Hopefully I won't have to wait too long! The suspense is killing me!


Kami said...

Sad situation. I don't know what to say. Maybe you should just ditch them both and date someone local. That would be hard though. It might also be a good thing too since you are trying to start a new life...dunno. Good luck though!

Melanie said...

wish I knew someone local I could hook you up with, have you checked out the singles ward lately? Or maybe or something. Robert and Ricky both met their wives there...or through some lds dating site. Never know!