Lucky You

Last month I made mention that I've been writing in my journal which keeps me from writing more blog posts. I've gotten lazy in the last few years (probably from not being in school) and I prefer to type over write. So my journal writing is currently in the computer and not in a notebook or something similar. I went to write in my journal tonight and it would not write down anything. I finally discovered that the Microsoft Office I've been using is only a demo and it's expired. So I won't be able to use it again until I've purchased the dang thing. Since I'm not able to write my thoughts in my journal tonight...I'm blogging them!

Lucky You!

(my faithful readers)

I had a REALLY rough weekend. Carlos texted me on Saturday and told me that he met Amanda Seyfried at the Gym. She was probably in Utah filming for Big Love.

*I don't want to post a picture of her so google the stupid girl if you have no idea who I'm talking about*

She told him that she thought he was a "hot piece!" She also told him that she was seeing someone (but we all know that really means nothing to some people, especially celebs). They made arrangements to go out for drinks that night. He told me she was way frumpy but he would still sleep with her just to tell people that he had. What guy wouldn't sleep with a hot celeb if they had the opportunity? I mean really??

If you read a few posts back (He Infuriates Me) you would know that Carlos keeps nothing from me. I've begged him not to tell me about his line of women but he tells me anyway. I cried all day Sunday because I was scared of getting a text from him saying what happened with Amanda. Not only that, but what if they really had slept together? How am I supposed to compete with a celebrity? I wanted to die on Sunday, figuratively speaking of course.

After I spent several hours crying over this man, I finally decided that I would shed no more tears for him. So far I've been doing pretty well this week. I was getting a little worried because I wasn't hearing from him when he usually texts me everyday. I thought that the silence was a for sure confirmation of his sex filled weekend with the celeb. I thought that perhaps he was feeling guilty for what he had done. He finally wrote me today and he started to talk about the drama in his life. I stopped him in his tracks and begged that he not tell me about is sex filled weekend. He told me that he didn't have any sex over the weekend and that he spent it with his son. Phew.....I can finally relax. He actually asked me if I would look for employment for him in Texas. Wow, right?

Brandon talked with me today too!

*I was actually talking to both boys at the same time...craziness!*

Brandon and I used to have really nice conversations and they sorta just stopped. We really haven't spoken most of the month of May. I wrote him today and asked why we don't talk anymore. He basically told me that he wanted me to initiate more of our conversations. Here I thought I was doing all the initiating and he feels it's the other way around. I guess I better try a little harder. He also told me that he's just been really stressed and working really hard lately.

Overall, it was nice hearing from both my boys today. I'm glad that they both had nice things to say to me today too!

I Want To Be Your Friend

While watching some of my favorite shows, I've gotten to see a side of some people that I think are really cool. I've decided that if it were possible I would love to be friends with some of these people!

David Bromstad

David is a designer on the HGTV series Color Splash. His work is absolutely brilliant and I would love to be his assistant someday. He amazes me every show. Not only is he an excellent designer but he is always upbeat and smiling. You can't help but smile when David is on. I like David because I think we have similar personalities. Overall I just think he is a fun character and I would love to be his friend.

Evan Lysacek

We should all know that Evan won the Men's Figure Skating gold medal at the Vancouver Olympics. He was a real champ and I was so excited when I heard he was doing Dancing With The Stars. I voted him all the way to the finals where he came in second place. While watching the show I came to realize that he and I also have similar personalities. He would just crack me up with some of the things he would say in his rehearsals with Anna. I would love to be his friend too!

Flo

Recognize Flo, the Progressive Girl? I just love these commercials and she is the reason why.
Every sales person should be just like Flo in my opinion. She always puts a smile on my face. Wouldn't you want to be her friend too?

I'm sure there are more but these are the 3 that have really stuck out in my mind lately!

He Infuriates Me

Why did I agree to stay friends with Carlos when we broke up? I know why I did but it's become a curse more than anything. He misses me and wishes were still together but enough time has passed since our breakup and several women are trying to get with him now. I'm not there for him to date and he's starting to get lonely. He's agreed to several dates with different women lately and he tells me all about them. I've already asked him more than once to keep his love/dating/women life to himself when talking to me. For some reason he doesn't understand what that means cause I get to hear about a new woman everyday!!! WTF??? He thinks it's OK to talk to me about this stuff cause we're "friends" and that's what friends do. I'm better off not knowing about those parts of his life. I just keep digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole that will eventually drown me.

*Screams*

I wish I could just disappear from life for a little while. I don't know for how long but the present is sucking the life out of me!

Love Triangle

I'm finding that I've been put in a very difficult situation that only I am to blame;

A Love Triangle

I have a pretty tainted past that I don't particularly want to delve into but, it all comes down to Carlos. Carlos and I had something special from the first time we ever met. I'm not proud of the way we met and so I'm not going to share that information in this post but we connected immediately. We got involved in a relationship that was cut short when he was called to war. His saying good bye to me was one of the hardest things I ever experienced. I was forced to put him out of my mind and move on with life. I tried so hard to get over him but everything I saw reminded me of him in some way. I went to sleep dreaming of him and I woke every morning with him still on my mind. I couldn't escape my memory of him no matter how hard I tried. Two years, exactly, went by when I saw him one day sitting at a booth in the mall. I remember I was at the pretzel maker waiting for my breezer when I looked up and saw him in the distance. He was just sitting there looking off into the distance and looking just as beautiful as I remembered. If I had been holding something fragile it would have shattered on the ground. Seeing him again literally made my heart stop beating and I felt like the world had stopped spinning. I never imagined that Carlos and I would ever see each other again. I quickly walked past him hoping that he wouldn't see me. After I'd walked several feet I had to take a peak. I turned around and saw him looking right at me. I panicked and quickly got the heck away before anything else could happen. When I got back to work I fell apart and started sobbing into my co-workers shoulder. He had to hold me close because I was shaking uncontrollably. I felt like I had seen a ghost that day and I didn't know what I was going to do. For almost a week I avoided going into the mall for food or drink. My nerves were all shook up from seeing him again and I eventually got severe stomach ulcers that kept me from being able to eat anything. When I couldn't take it anymore I finally decided to go out and talk to him. I figured that it would ease my mind to at least talk to him and maybe get the proper closure that I should have been given 2 years prior. I couldn't have asked for a better meeting. His back was to me as I was approaching the booth and he turned around at the perfect moment. His face lit up and he came running up and grabbed me in his arms. Tears were shed from both of us as we walked through the mall and caught up. I wanted nothing more than to grab his face and feel his lips on mine again. But I was a married woman and I forced myself to keep my distance. He gave me his phone number and told me that he hoped we could be friends but that he was leaving it up to me. I went back to work not knowing what I was going to do. I had strong feelings for this man in the past and it was evident by my reaction when I saw him again that those feelings were still there and as strong as ever. I wanted him in my life again but it was no easy task...I was married. The outcome- I ended up divorcing my husband of 4 years and hurting someone very dear to me so I could be with Carlos. It was the hardest decision of my life but it was the choice that I made. Whether it was the right or wrong thing to do...I did it and I needed to take that chance. Carlos and I didn't have the best relationship but there was a love there that I had never felt before. After a year long relationship, Carlos and I broke up due to a series of unfortunate events. He broke my heart yet again but this time we decided to stay in touch. I had to force myself to move on, again. It was hard for a few weeks but then I came in touch with someone else from my past, Brandon (previously referred to as John Doe), my first love.

*Refer to "Coincidence" from my February posts to get the story on Brandon*

For months I've been talking to both Carlos and Brandon. Both men have feelings for me and I have feelings for both men in return. One man lives in Utah, the other in Georgia and I'm in Texas!!! Well this just sucks doesn't it? Neither one has the ability to come here and "court" me. Both men have complications in their personal lives that are keeping them from being able to have a serious relationship with me. I'm torn because I can't have them both but neither one can have me either at this point in time. I'm lonely and I'm getting tired of just talking about our feelings. I want some action but the future is completely unknown. I have no idea what the outcome is going to be. I don't even know if I'll ever have the chance to be with either of these men again. And if I am given that chance...who will I choose?

I don't even have the answer. Both men are completely different and I love them for different reasons. Both men are capable of making me happy and I think I'll end up choosing whoever makes the first move. So why are they just sitting on their lazy butts not doing anything to win my heart? Hopefully I won't have to wait too long! The suspense is killing me!

It Was Nothing

Carlos contacted me shortly after my last post. Finally, right? Turns out it was nothing big at all. He basically wanted to ask me if he could use me as a reference. Really? He had to send me 9 text messages just to ask for my reference? Whateva!!

I'm wondering if there is something more but he just didn't have the time to tell me. I'll have to ask him about it the next time we talk.

I'm Worried

I don't have the luxury of having my cell phone on me when I'm working either of my jobs. After working a LONG 8 1/2 hour shift I grabbed my belongings from my locker and headed out the door. I noticed that I had 9 text messages from Carlos! I started reading through them and he was basically saying that he needed to talk to me about something urgent. I noticed that his last text was sent about 5 minutes prior to my checking the messages. I quickly sent him a message apologizing for not responding sooner and asking what he needed to talk to me about. It has been over an hour and he hasn't responded. I'm starting to worry cause he wouldn't have sent me 9 messages if it wasn't urgent. Now he isn't talking to me at all. I have to go to my other job in 30 minutes and I won't be available till late tonight if he needs to talk. Maybe I'm just being paranoid or I'm extra hormonal or something but I'm freaking out about this. I hope that everything is okay and that I'll hear from him sooner than later. I wish I knew what it was that he needed to talk to me about anyway!!!!!