Oh 2010

I can't help but notice that 2010 is almost over. Sure we still have about 3 1/2 weeks left...but really....it's almost gone! I've been pondering on the events that have occurred this year starting from January 1st. I've been on so many roller coaster rides and experienced several "thunderstorms" in my personal life. I fell in love with a man, Carlos, who ended up literally BREAKING my heart at the very start of 2010. I REALLY didn't think that I was going to survive that break up; I was ready to end my life. I don't know what I would have done without the loving support of my family. I can't even begin to explain the emotions I was feeling and experiencing at the beginning of the year. It wasn't long when someone from my past resurfaced and starting soothing my aching heart. I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I could finally breathe again. There were several obstacles but I was willing to put up a fight and hopefully conquer. I was constantly battling between which man to choose; the one that broke my heart or the one that wasn't currently available. I've posted several of my experiences with these men throughout the year and I don't really care to re post them at this time. About a month and a half ago I lost all communication with both Carlos and Brandon. What was odd is that both men were actually doing necessary things to have me in their lives. Carlos was telling me that things were finally falling into place and that fate would be good to us and we'd be together again. At that same time, Brandon volunteered to fly me to Atlanta to spend some time with him. Out of nowhere.....BOOM!!!! They both disappeared on me. It's been over a month since I've heard from Carlos and I have no way of contacting him since he has no phone or computer and I haven't known his whereabouts since we broke up. Brandon disconnected his facebook account which was our soul source of communication. I do have his email and phone number but I sorta feel like his disconnection is a sign that he doesn't want me in his life anymore. At the exact moment in time that I'm hearing from both Carlos and Brandon for the last time....BOOM....I meet Alex!!! Sure I was sad that Carlos and Brandon disappeared but Alex was SOOOO AMAZING AND SWEET AND WONDERFUL!!! I was the happiest I had been in a VERY, and I repeat, VERY long time. Alex and I got along so beautifully. I felt so comfortable around him and I could actually be myself, which was really refreshing. We would talk on the phone for hours every night and he called and texted me ALL THE TIME!!!! Because of my busy work and school schedule we only got to see each other once a week and I truly cherished those moments when we got to spend some time together! I can't say that I loved Alex, but I was falling for him and I was falling fast!!! This week was a little different!!! I wasn't hearing from Alex as often as in the past weeks. He wasn't texting or calling me 24/7 and I was beginning to worry. Even when we would talk it would only be for a few minutes and I felt something strange. He wasn't as talkative or as perky. He stopped calling me sweet names and telling me how amazing I was. This week has actually been a sorta HELL for me cause I couldn't get him to communicate with me. He would just tell me that he was tired and didn't feel like talking. I finally couldn't take it anymore and last night I sent him a message on facebook stating that we really needed to talk. When he called me this afternoon things seemed normal and he told me that he missed me. I perked up a bit and he told me to call him when I got off work. When I did call him after work he never answered and it was hours before he called me back. By then I was on my way to class and he told me to call him when I got out. So I called him again when class was over but he never answered my phone calls or texts! I was beginning to worry again because this wasn't normal Alex behavior. He always responded to all my texts promptly in the past. I gave it an hour and half before I tried contacting him again. He finally called and all my fears came to life in that short conversation. He told me that he wasn't ready to commit to a serious relationship. He too is recently divorced but unlike me, he's only been divorced since July (I think). He told me that I'm the first girl he's been with since his ex-wife and that he thought he'd be ready for another relationship when we started talking. Things moved very quickly between Alex and I in the beginning and I actually tried to slow them down but I became greedy and enjoyed our time together just a little too much. I guess in the end he realized that he just hasn't had enough time for himself to recover from the divorce. He told me that his decision had nothing to do with me and that he's enjoyed every minute of our time together. I offered to give him time if he needed but he turned my offer down since he doesn't know how much time he needs. In the end we agreed to be friends but he asked that I not call or text him anymore. I found great comfort in my mother's arms tonight as I cried for my loss. Alex and I only knew each other about a month but it felt like it was much longer. I'm not lying when I say that I was really starting to fall for him. I'm not sure how much more of this heartache I can bare. I was really hoping that 2010 would be a great year but it's turning out to be a nightmare. I have to confess that I haven't been active in the church since a little before my divorce in 2009. I've done things since my divorce that I should be ashamed of. I know that the experiences I've encountered this year are a lesson from the Lord. I feel truly humbled this evening and despite my anger I'm feeling for the trials I've been given, I can't help but LOVE my Father in Heaven. I know that he is teaching me that wickedness NEVER was happiness. I guess it is time for me to take off my stubborn hat and leave that "spacious building." I know that it is going to take some time and that I'll have to take some baby steps but I truly feel that I'll be happier with myself if I take the necessary steps to come back to the church. I'm hoping to see light at the end of the tunnel again. I hope that in doing so that the Lord will bless me. Please pray for me!