Dreams

I had this really weird dream last night that kinda spooked me out! What made it so spooky is the fact that it was so detailed. I left out some of the details that weren't super important but enjoy:

I had moved into a super cheap apartment with a bunch of Asian girls that didn't really speak English well. They had a bunch of cats and I thought I could handle the living situation for the sake of saving some money. I was alone in the living room watching TV when an Asian boy walked into the apartment with some fast food and beer! I knew him to be the boy friend of one of my room mates and his English was very good in comparison! He sat down next to me and started eating and drinking! He offered me some food and I politely declined! After he had drunk quite a bit, he started coming onto me! He grabbed my face and pulled me toward his own! He started kissing me and I used all my strength to get him off of me. I reminded him that he had a girl friend and that I wasn't interested. He got really giggly and leaped onto me again. This time he tried to rip my clothes off and began grabbing me inappropriately starting with my outer thigh! I was able to get away and run to my room for safety. I was really scared and grabbed my cell phone! It wasn't long and he was outside my bedroom door. He apologized and told me he would leave me alone. I decided it would be best for me to leave the apartment until my other room mates came home. I was able to pass him in the hallway and exit the apartment. I didn't know the building very well and it was really old in construction! Before I shut the apartment door, the boy called out to me and apologized again. He told me that the fastest way to get to the first floor was to go down a certain set of stairs in a certain location. I thanked him and headed toward the stairs he recommended. I started running down the stairs cause I wanted to get away from this boy as soon as possible. It wasn't long when I approached a broken section in the staircase. I could have made it but I would have needed to do some climbing and jumping! I remembered that I had passed an elevator and thought that would have been faster than the stairs in the first place! I started up the stairs again when I noticed the Asian boy coming down the stairs toward me. He had a huge vase in his hands that was filled to the brim with a steaming liquid. Realizing that I had been tricked, and that this liquid was most likely a drug so he could have his way with me, I decided my best bet was to jump and climb down the broken section of steps! I turned around and started running again. I grabbed my cell phone and started dialing 911. I approached the broken section when my jeans got caught on some debris! I struggled to free myself when I noticed the Asian boy was right behind me! I squirmed myself free when the boy poured the steaming liquid on top of me. Before long I was falling to the ground and falling into a deep sleep! The last thing I heard was the sound of the Asian boy laughing triumphantly!

Then I woke from this vivid dream!

Like Clockwork

My sleeping schedule is way out of control! I used to go to bed and wake up at decent hours when I was married. It wasn't until I started dating Carlos that things got all screwed up for me. His job made him work the most ridiculous hours imaginable and I would force myself to stay up till 1, 2, sometimes 3 a.m. just so I could spend a little bit of time with him. My body has gotten in the habit of not getting tired till at least 1 am. This really sucks. Sometimes I can be exhausted all day and doze in and out but when bedtime comes I'm wide awake. What's worse is that I always wake up sometime in the middle of the night around 3, 4, or 5 a.m. When this happens, I don't even come close to falling back asleep until about 7:30!! This was another habit from my dating life with Carlos. Sometimes he would have a horrible day at work and not want to bring his bad attitude home. He would go out with some friends from work and drink his sorrows away. I always waited for him hoping that he would come and see me. I would go to bed when sleep overtook me, but I would wake again in hopes that he was coming to see me soon, usually around 4 or 5 a.m.
My body has been doing this to me for months and I can't stand it anymore. Now that I'm staying at my sisters and her kids wake before the sun is out, I end up waking up with only about 4 hours of sleep. I'm tired all day and it takes every ounce of energy just to walk up the stairs. I never take a nap cause I always hope that I will fall asleep early....but I never do. My stupid body won't allow it! This is going to take some time to adjust. I hope it won't take long for my body to change sleeping schedules! I really could use the sleep especially since I have a horrible cold and a long drive to Texas coming up!

My New Moon

I can't get over how my life situation is so similar to Stephanie Meyer's book New Moon.
In case you aren't familiar with the book: The two main characters, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, fall in the love in the prequel book. Edward tells Bella not to fall in love with him since he thinks he is bad for her. I'm sure with the whole Twilight hype lately everyone knows about the whole vampire love story even if you haven't actually read the books or watched the movies. In case you are completely oblivious, Edward is the vampire and he is scared that he might accidentally lose control and kill Bella. Regardless of that fact, Bella falls for him anyway and they have this amazing love story.
Enough about the book. Let's talk about me now!
Carlos' and my breakup is very similar to Edward and Bella's breakup in New Moon. The night before I moved in with my sister, Carlos came to me a little troubled. He said that he had been praying about us and our situation. He held me very close and asked if we could have a pray together. Keep in mind that Carlos isn't a member of the church and he isn't very religious. The gist of the prayer was him asking the Lord to forgive me of anything I've done wrong. He asked the Lord to help me back onto the path of righteousness and to love me. He asked for the Lord to help me in my endeavor in becoming a better person and bettering my life situation. He also asked that the Lord send me a worthy man that will love and provide for me the way I deserve. He thanked God for the opportunity he has been given to have me in his life. He continued to ask the Lord to help him let me go. He confessed that he has been selfish in keeping me for himself. He begged for God to give him the strength to let go of the one person he loved most. He ended the prayer by asking the Lord to help him become the man that I deserve so that we can be together again someday.
I thought as far as break ups go, this was a happy one. It was very emotional and we held each other almost all night. He told me he loved me so much but he needed to work on some things before we could have a happy and healthy relationship. He told me he always wanted to have me in his life whether I was his wife, girlfriend, best friend or just a friend to contact every blue moon. We both have faith that we will see each other again some day when we are both better people. The whole time we were dating, I knew he wasn't the best person to get involved with. Our relationship was so abnormal and I wasn't happy most of the time. I had a connection with Carlos that was lacking in my marriage with Grant. I think my faith in Carlos is what kept us together as long as we were. He is a strong man and I know he is capable of turning his life around.
If you have read New Moon, hopefully you can see the similarities. I can relate to Bella's sadness and solitude. I can relate to her nightmares, for I myself wake up in the middle of the night. I can relate to that story 100%!! I'm experiencing my own version of New Moon. I don't have a Jacob Black yet, but I have faith that I will meet someone who will ease my pain. Everything worked out great for Edward and Bella in the end. Hopefully everything will work out great for me too. Maybe Carlos and I aren't meant to be together, but I hope that I finally meet the one that I am meant to be with. And I hope for nothing but happiness in Carlos' life from here on out. I love him so much and I hope we can work through this!

Moonraker's Bride

So I'm staying at my sisters and there isn't much for me to do here. The TV in the room that I've been using to watch my shows and play Wii broke yesterday. I got up to turn down the volume and the TV gave me a huge shock. Something in that massive shock broke the TV and we can't get it to turn back on. My sister has about 5 or 6 TVs in her house but I only feel comfortable using the one in that particular room. My sister and her husband go to bed pretty early since they are up early in the day having 4 young children. I'm not tired when they go to bed and this particular room is the only room in the house, with a TV, where the light doesn't shine into the master bedroom.
My second or third day at my sisters house, she came down to the basement where I'm staying and handed me a book to read. It looked really old and didn't entice me much. My sister told me not to judge the book by its cover and that it was a really good book. She thought I would enjoy reading it while I was here. I spent my days watching TV and playing Wii games until yesterday. I would read a chapter of the book before I went to bed but nothing more. Since there was nothing to do yesterday, I decided to read some more of the book. I ended up finishing the whole book last night. I couldn't put the book down after I'd gotten into the story plot.
The book is called Moonraker's Bride by Madeleine Brent. It was written in the early '70s but takes place in the late 1800's I believe. I don't want to get into the story plot but it was a really good book. It's a mystery/love story which makes this book perfect for me. I like a good mystery and I love a juicy romance. Put both in one book and it's awesome. I highly recommend reading this book. So good!

How Old?

I just celebrated my 26th birthday on Sunday! It's hard to believe that I'm closer to 30 than 20 now. I can't believe how old I'm getting. I still feel like a teenager most days.

I moved into my sisters house last Friday and will be staying here until my parents get here at the end of the week. My sister and her husband took me out for dinner on Saturday night to Olive Garden. It was really good. I haven't eaten out in a really long time and so it was quite enjoyable. Olive Garden offers a birthday cake these days that is actually really big. They do charge you for the cake but it is bigger than the other desserts and it sure beats getting a scoop of ice cream instead. The waitress asked, "How old are you turning? 21?" She was shocked when I told her 26. It made me feel good that I looked young in her eyes. On Sunday my little brother came over and we all went to my sisters in-laws for a good dinner. We didn't tell them it was my birthday until right before we left. Everyone was really nice and sang me happy birthday. Overall it wasn't exactly how I wanted to celebrate my birthday (I wanted to be with Carlos) but it was very nice that everyone was trying to make me feel good under the circumstances. I appreciated everything I received. On Monday I went to get the oil changed in my car and why I was waiting I was talking to another lady there along with the man at the front desk. The other lady was talking about how she was 40 and starting to go back to college. The guy at the front desk said that he was 32 and finally going to college. I mentioned that it was better late than never and that I was planning on going back to college myself. They both looked at me weird and so I told them that I was older than I looked. They asked how old I was and I told them I just turned 26. They were both shocked! The guy told me that he thought I was 18 or 19. That comment really made my day! He told me that I looked almost a decade younger than I really was! Wow! I've finally reached a point in my life where I love hearing that I look young. I hated it when I was younger and didn't look old enough to be driving or old enough to have a job. Now I love it! So I'm getting closer to 30, at least I don't look it!!

Heartbreak

Maybe the picture is a little graphic but Carlos and I broke up early early this morning around 2:30 am. Maybe I'll talk more about it some other time. I had to lose Kittie and my boyfriend all in one day! What could be worse?

I'm Moving

I'm moving back to Texas in the next few weeks.

My parents have been trying to get me to move back home since my divorce. I never liked living in Texas when I was growing up. I hated the humidity and the ugly flat earth. I love the mountains here in Utah and I love how my hair doesn't frizz like crazy. My main reason for staying in Utah after the divorce was because my job was here. That and I was in a relationship with a guy that I really liked and now love.

After I lost my job in October, Carlos kept telling me that he could take care of me and that I didn't need to worry about getting a new job. The boy does make good money but he doesn't know how to manage it. At the new year we both sat down and talked about our future. Carlos confessed to me that he was absolutely broke and didn't have enough money to pay his own rent, let alone all my miserable bills. We made the decision that I would move back home to Texas where my parents could help take care of me until I get job.

So far the new year has been really rough on me emotionally. Carlos plans on moving in with his best friend and living rent free for the next few months. I of course am going to Texas. My parents already had tickets to come here at the end of the month so things worked out perfectly in that department. However, today is my last day in my apartment and my last day to be with Kittie! Kittie will be going with Carlos to his friends. I'm really sad about leaving my precious Kittie. She has been the best comfort these last few months. I wouldn't have survived without her company. She loves her daddy so I know she will be okay but I still worry about him remembering to feed her and give her fresh water daily.

I've been packing all week! It hasn't been fun! I've done more crying this week than I have done in my entire life. You would think my parents died with the way I've been acting. I love Carlos so much and I'm hating this whole separation thing. We still plan on being together but our relationship in definitely being put on hold for a bit. I don't know exactly what his plans are with this separation. I know he wants to save and manage his money better so he can take care of me. Not having to pay rent and utilities will really help him.

I'm going to find a job the moment I get settled in back home. Then my goal is to enroll in the community college close to home and hopefully start taking classes in the summer. Neither Carlos nor I knows how long this separation will last. We don't even know if this separation will work. I really don't want to lose Carlos but maybe this is all for the best. We both need this time to better ourselves and our situations. The best place for me right now is school! There isn't a better time for it. Since I'm no longer married and I have no children I should be doing something wise with my time. In a lot of ways I'm really excited about the move but I'm really going to miss my baby and mostly my boyfriend!

I couldn't be more sad than I am this very moment!